My heart was heavy. Fear that I was being rejected began poking into my thoughts. Vain imagings closely followed as I worried that my son might be in trouble; maybe lost his cell phone or wasn't wanting to connect because he was trying to hide something from me. I was determined to get some explanation for my unanswered texts and phone messages! Maybe the time of day wasn't right. I'll call earlier. No response. My emotions were bundling into a triple play of worry, anger and rejection.
He responded, finally. Nothing was wrong. "Why are you so upset, Mom?" My satisfaction of hearing from him was overshadowed quickly by pangs of regret. Why had I demanded his response and why the hissy fit? I knew better. I have been through peacemaker training. The teaching on the slippery slope of idolatry was the path I had just slid down. The progression from the top down goes like this:
--good desire frustrated, --turns into disappointment, --slips into demand, --whooshes into judgement where --daggars of punishment are unsheathed towards the disapointer
Oh, Lord, help me. Rid my heart of the idol of looking to relationships for satisfaction when you are the only One who satisfies.
During replays of my slippery slide, the Lord brought the Prodigal Son story to mind. Hey, I can identify with the Father's heart on this one, Lord.
Pain of being alienated from someone you love
Intense longing for reconnection
Worry from not being able to see what is really happening...
Go on, Lord. What else?
I realized the Father is constantly watching for the son's return, but there is no frantic hot pursuit to bring him back. Neither is he sending pleading messages with passerbys who might be heading his son's direction. He waits, patiently, prayfully. When he returns the welcome is warm, not accusatory. The Father is full of joy, not having to apologize for his groveling behavior.
I get it, Lord. Will you teach me how a parent graciously poises the heart towards adult children? Letting them go with absolute trust and no strings attached, yet keeping watch in pray and faith. Make me a cheerleader, supporter, helper and friend, knowing when to take initiative and when to wait, but always resting in your perfect love for me and them.
The Father's heart is our example and comfort. May you know His love and acceptance, no matter what earthly parents you've known or have been. He will always be there, with all you need.
Thank you, Father God for loving me like that.